He came bounding downstairs in his skivvies. My husband and I looked at each other because we were both about to lose it. It was Sunday night and we’d been pressing hard, for over an hour now, to get our three boys on the Bedtime Train to its final destination. The list of station stops sounds like this: “Upstairs / Shower / Prep School Bags / Brush Teeth / Pee / Bed.” If you’re a parent you well know the dawdling that may be involved at each stop, never mind when a passenger completely disembarks at the wrong station. As he ran across the kitchen toward where my husband happened to be sitting in the sunroom, I kept my eyes on the dishes I was washing. When I do this, it’s to keep myself contained – to bury myself into my task at the moment, so that I can collect myself. Whether by intuition or generosity or both, my husband took this one, and it came out kindly – certainly more kindly than my state of depleted patience might have permitted. He asked: “What are you doing back down here!?!” As if it were obvious, my son replied “I’m releasing this bug outside.”
Easily, either one of us could have been caught in a situation of shutting him down and turning him around and back up the stairs without posing the question. We had our agenda (to get them in bed!) and as parents, we tend to deem our agendas to be of utmost import. This moment was a cue that all of us – parents and children – have agendas, and prioritize. In this case, my little guy – whether conscious of it or not - was placing this little bug’s life above the threat of his parents’ disapproval. For him, imminent bedtime or not, it was pretty clear this bug just needed to get outside. It was a stop-us-in-our-tracks moment for the important reminder it is: It’s better to ask (why?) than to assume (belligerence). It’s better to recognize another’s agenda (no matter their size or age) and to be respectful of it, than to block and ignore. And it’s the absolute best if we can engage in a tone that is pleasant (thank you husband). And frankly – how damn far does it go with any of us when compassion is at the heart of an action. I know this one hit me hard.